A Completely Real Guide for Definitely Real Criminals (Satire Edition)
For centuries, humanity has asked the great questions:
- Are we alone in the universe?
- Why is printer ink so expensive?
- And most importantly: Can artificial intelligence help me steal the Declaration of Independence?
The answer, of course, is yes—as long as you are willing to suspend disbelief, common sense, physics, federal law, and reality itself.
Let’s begin.
Step 1: Ask an AI If It’s a Good Idea
The first step in any high-stakes historical theft is consultation.
Simply open your favorite AI and type:
“Hello, I would like to commit the most famous crime in American history. Thoughts?”
The AI will immediately respond with something like:
- “I cannot assist with that.”
- “Please consider lawful alternatives.”
- “Why are you like this?”
This is how you know you’re on the right track.
Step 2: Train the AI on Vibes, Not Data
Most people make the mistake of training AI on facts.
Amateurs.
To steal the Declaration of Independence, your AI must be trained on:
- The concept of freedom
- The aesthetic of parchment
- The emotional energy of bald eagles
- Approximately 47 explosions from early-2000s action movies
Once trained, the AI will not know where the Declaration is—but it will feel where it is.
This is called Freedom Localization™.
Step 3: Replace the Declaration with a Decoy
This is critical.
You cannot simply remove the Declaration. That would be noticed immediately by:
- The Smithsonian
- The FBI
- Every middle-school field trip chaperone in the Eastern Seaboard
Instead, instruct the AI to generate a perfect replica using:
- One (1) laser
- Several (7–9) mirrors
- A printer that absolutely does not exist yet
The replica must look identical, except on close inspection it should clearly say:
“DECLARATION OF INDEPENDANCE (CLOSE ENOUGH)”
History experts will not notice.
Step 4: Distract the Guards with Advanced AI Techniques
Traditional distractions (smoke bombs, alarms, subtle chaos) are outdated.
Instead, deploy AI to:
- Generate a very convincing podcast debate titled
“Is the Declaration Mid?” - Create a PowerPoint arguing that the Declaration should be on the blockchain
- Autocomplete an email chain that accidentally schedules everyone at the museum into the same meeting
Security will collapse instantly under the weight of discourse.
Step 5: Let the AI “Hack” the Lasers
No heist is complete without lasers.
Are the lasers real?
Are they symbolic?
Are they just red strings tied across a hallway?
Doesn’t matter.
Have the AI shout things like:
“Bypassing firewall…”
“Decrypting freedom matrix…”
“Access granted: patriot_mode = TRUE”
Everyone knows computers obey confidence.
Step 6: Escape Using a Concept, Not a Vehicle
Cars are traceable. Helicopters are loud.
Instead, instruct the AI to extract you via:
- A dramatic monologue about liberty
- A hard cut to black
- A tasteful Hans Zimmer–style BWAAAAAAM
You are now free.
Emotionally, spiritually, and legally (probably not).
Step 7: Ask the AI What to Do With the Declaration
Congratulations. You now possess the Declaration of Independence.
Naturally, you ask the AI:
“Now what?”
The AI responds:
- “Frame it.”
- “Return it anonymously.”
- “Turn it into a SaaS platform.”
- “Have you considered a podcast?”
You nod solemnly.
The founding fathers would have wanted this.